Saturday, June 19, 2010

a day out...without corbin.

i have so many many things to blog about. corbin turned ten months old yesterday. he also had his baby gym graduation. tomorrow is fathers day. i really want to join the twitter wedding blog hop [even though i dont tweet what girl can pass up posting their wedding pictures for all to see!] but i want to get this out while the feelings are still fresh. it may seem so lame to some of you moms who have to go back to work or who go on dates with the hubs often but i have a hard time leaving corbin...like a really hard time. it might be because he's still so dependent on me [he is still breastfeeding every three hours] or that i feel like no one can take care of him like i do or that i feel like there is nothing i really have to do that he cant just come along. ryan and i have always been home-bodies. we'd rather snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie than go to a bar or club so staying home with him is no big deal.

so, to make a long story short not so long, i have been complaining to ryan about my clothes for months. while its ah-mazing to be twenty pounds lighter than i was before i got pregnant, it sucks to not have any clothes that fit me anymore! not only clothes that dont fit but clothes that i wore before i was a mom. i dont want to make myself older than i am but really, im twenty seven. thats pretty darn close to thirty. and i just dont feel comfortable hanging out in abercrombie jeans with holes in them anymore. i've tried for a long while to not let it bug me but i think its really starting to mess with my self esteem. i dont feel cute in baggy jeans that are now two sizes too big. i dont feel cute in "destroyed denim" and i want to start dressing like a grown up. so i broke down and asked ryan what he thought about me going and getting some new clothes and being the sweetheart that he is, he replied, "of course" without the least bit of hesitation even though we are strapped for cash these days. so today i went shopping. by.my.self. and guess what i found? NOTHING! its like i forgot how to shop. i have no idea whats in style. i havent been hiding under a rock but i havent had my regular body in over twenty months! and even now its not the body im used to. before i was able to shop online because i knew what size i wore at what store and now i feel so clueless.

but this post is really supposed to be about me leaving corbin. and how i got in the car and turned the radio up loud and sang old school mary j. blige at the top of my lungs while at the same time my eyes welled up with tears for feeling guilty for leaving. or feeling happy to be gone on my own. and for missing him so much even though i was only two minutes down the road. i keep telling myself it will get better when he's older. once he doesnt depend on his mommy so much. it got better once i actually got to my destination and my mind started focusing on other things. then ryan sent me this picture of corbin eating lunch and i finally realized what it must be like for him to leave every day for work. when i finally got home three hours later corbin didnt even seem to notice the that i'd been gone for too long. i got a big smile as i walked in the door and then he was off to play and soon he was ready for his afternoon nap. there's no doubt he had fun with his daddy and i think its important for them to spend some male bonding time together. i only hope this gets easier...

3 comments:

  1. Oh my goodness, I relate to all of this so much! It's frustrating to me that when I finally do get to go look for some clothes, I end up with nothing. Then I'm feeling like I wasted all of the time I could have been playing with H. My body changed so much with having him that even though I weigh less than before I was preggo, clothes still fit me all weird.

    I also hope it gets easier, because if this gets harder I don't know what I'm going to do!!

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  2. oh to be lighter than pre preg, i would have not idea what that feels like :/ so you go girl!
    i totally feel you though...shopping is hard.
    and even harder to leave the babe. i have to leave stella for 12 hours tomorrow, 9 more than ever before. i am panicing a little.

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  3. allie. its so nice to hear im not the only one! i sure hope it gets easier too!

    melissa. twelve hours! oh that will be tough but im sure its for a good reason! all us stay at home moms are really lucky!

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